i am going to spill my soul in this journal. it is the only one i have that no one i know would even imagine exits. i am a girl whom is currently trapped in the life of work, money, bills, and fighting addition. i work 10am till 10pm monday through thursday and i have a boyfriend of 2 years that i am no longer sure i love. i recently detoxed from opiates. to give you a better understanding to someone whom has never been addicted to more then a ciggarette its very hard to explain. when you are addicted to something you get very ill when you run out. your mind races so much that you feel like you may be loosing your mind, your body gets so weak it is a task to stand or walk, you become sick to your stomache, sleep is not an option for days, and eating is to be debated. you cannot stay still or find even a moment of comfort. once you get through it you are depressed to all extremes because you notice all of the things in your life that you casually ignored while your brian was being flooded with endorphins from the drugs pumping through your body. once youre through you realize you may always have that problem with drugs for the rest of your lifetime. you think differently then the person you once were because know you know if youre having a bad day theres one thing you know will for sure make everything better, even if just for a few hours. staying sober after falling into that kind of life will be a continuous struggle for the rest of your life if you are weak. and i am week. i think about it all the time. being sick off it is hell but being high off it makes life bearable. my boyfriend loves me, but he is abusive sometimes.... i am scarred if i leave him i will be lonely and he will be crushed so i stay unhappy and live lies for the happiness of him and because im scarred i may be very lonely and regretful. i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. you must live a happy life to even attempt keeping your soberity but right now, for me atleast that is not possible. i need someone to realate too, someone whos been where i am and concorded there fears.... i hope i meet that someone soon, im not sure how much longer i can live in a movie with fake smiles and meaningless kisses...i need to just walk away from it all and be who i am... not whom someone expects me to be.
